I’M GOING TO DIE...

This is not a suicide letter, nor a letter that I wrote after diagnosed with terminal illness. I will not die at this moment, not at least. But, I’m going to die one day, and that’s for certain. It seems like I’m so pessimistic, but this is an actual fact. Months ago, in the brink of ending my life, I recalled on how much I’m worthless compared to others. I failed to speak and express properly. I failed to socialize like how my friends did. I’m just a lonely man that no one cares about. There’s no meaning to keep living. My existence does not affect much to the world population. I felt so depressed that I just want to end my life and that’s it. Then, there was this bookmark with the repentance verse written appeared while I was searching for a pen-knife in my pencil case. I looked at the verse, and thought deeply about it. Then, I regained my consciousness. I began to question myself, where’s the Dhamma that I’ve vowed to learn and practise all along? Why am I thirsting to end my life? How come I became so selfish? That moment, with a heavy heart, I brought myself forward in front of the Buddha statue, I bowed in front of the statue for hundreds of time, while mumbling on the bookmark verse. While laying my head down before the statue, I began to ponder, is my life that worthless? Is my life just merely defined by how others treated me? Is being fail to express properly and socialize means I’m such a worthless person? Why I’m so not happy? It happened that I have all the answers to that questions, but it seemed that I couldn’t accept them. I started on this mission to find out what I truly want and what is it mean to be happy.

After so much of hardships that I had endured, so much questions that I had asked, so much resolutions that I had set, I came to a conclusion that I did not love and understand myself enough. I had defined myself based on how people looked and treated me. I had followed the social trend and acted according to the social norm, being it in relationships or friendships, but I started to felt that I’m not who I am, and I could no longer recognize myself. I always looked forward to results instead of what I had experienced during the progress. I’m just seeing how others see me, but I did not see the potential that I truly have. I found out that I’m constantly living in the past. I knew I had to stop this. I knew I had to give up on this, give up on comparing myself with others. That’s not learning from others, that’s self-harming!

Over these years, I’ve been receiving letters from the “deity of death”. My first letter came during the passing away of my grandma. Subsequent letters came in with the passing away of my ex-classmate, my beloved grandpa, my respected refuge teacher, my mitta’s brother and so on. These letters had been reminding me that my duration in this world is getting shorter and I’m going to die one day. Yup. I totally agree with that. The phrase “You’re still young, you still have plenty of time” does not apply to me anymore. Looking at my grandpa's image on the tombstone, I reflected on how he had been appearing and talking to me a few months ago and now his ashes is buried beneath this stone. Life is undeniably fragile, but not the mind. We have the ability to train and develop our mind to gain insights and see things as what it is. How we defined life depends on our attitude towards life. I might not as expressive as my friends, but at least I have the ability to listen and be empathize towards others. I might not be as sociable as my friends, but at least I have the ability to volunteer myself in wholesome activities. I might be weak in becoming a leader and leading others, but at least I have the ability to self-reflect, to forgive and be an example to others. I might not be as rich as my friends, but at least I have the ability to be contented and be gratitude of what I have in the moment. We couldn’t guarantee that our lives are as promising as what we thought or expected, but at least we make the effort to live our lives to the fullest potential. Being positive, is not just being happy in life, but to value our lives more, living a life to the fullest potential of wholesome qualities. Here, I declare that I would no longer let the efforts that my mom had made 25 years ago to bring me into this world goes into waste. I’m going to die, so I vowed to live my life up to my fullest potential until my life reaches its limit. 

Yatha pubbulakam passe,
                             yatha passe maracikam;
Evam lokam avekkhantam,
                          maccuraja na passati.

~Dhp v. 170~

The King of Death will not find the one who looks at the world as if it's a bubble or mirage. My life journey continues…