2016
hasn’t been a great year for me, but in fact it has been a year I reflected a
lot upon my life. My relationship ended at the end of last year and I noticed
that I’m still clinging on to it. I knew that I’ve to get rid of this
attachment. It’s kind of excruciating when I thought about it, but I have to
accept and let it go. Yup, it’s easy to say than making it done. That’s why I’m
learning, learning let it go, to live in the moment, to look things as it is. It
might take a year or more, but as long as I try hard not to give up, everything
will be just fine.
I
repented on the bad deeds that I’ve done in the past which had induced
suffering in others and myself. I almost fell into the trap of extreme depression.
Thanks to the insight I’ve gained from the Buddha’s words, I managed to arrest
my emotion from going any further. Emotion rises from ego, and I knew that, but
when I’m overwhelmed by emotions, I will loss control of myself, even if I’ve
understand how emotion works. Somehow, I have to think of a way to deal and manage
this dangerous emotion. Somehow, I’ve to boost up my concentration so that this
dangerous thoughts wouldn’t affect me. I’m grateful to Cyndrin and Sister Kei
for being attentive in listening to my thoughts. There are many times I put
down my tears in front of them. It’s kind of embarrassed, but thankfully they
are kind of understanding friends. While patting on my back, they say that it’s
okay for men to cry. Men are not robots, they have feelings, they will cry when
some uncomforting from within arises. Why feel embarrassed? I was comforted by
their own experience sharing and some encouraging verses. Once again, thank you
to both of you for listening to me.
I
start associating with Nalanda Buddhist Society (Nalanda) this year, and it seems that I’m have a sort of
affinity towards this organisation. To be honest, I rediscover myself here. I
joined the Youth Dhamma Living Camp organised by Nalanda. I made new mittas (friends) there and gain a lot in this camp. Bro. Tan told us that each and every one of
us has the human potential, the potential to success, the potential to liberate
from worries and the potential to gain enlightenment. “I have the human
potential!” This catchphrase still plays in my mind. I have the potential to
excel and I need to put effort in achieving it. No success comes without
failure. I continued my learning by taking up BPS 304 in Nalanda. Initially, I
thought that I’ve to pay for the course, until I got to know that it was free
during the briefing. Of course, I was joyous at that moment. In reality,
nothing is free, but thanks to the brothers and sisters enthusiastic volunteerism,
the course was provided free. Besides just listening to lectures, we’ve
discussions, assessments, hands-on activity and even final exam. I enjoyed the
whole course seriously, although I’ve been drowsing in some of the lectures. I
might be kind of tiring that moment perhaps. I even joined their Youth Dhamma
Sunday Service (YDSS) whenever I’m available on Sundays. I like the environment
there where there will be inspirational sharing by the youths in the beginning,
puja session, Dhamma sharing by the Nalandians and reflection sessions. I
enjoyed it very much. Thank you Nalanda for providing me lessons that made me
rediscovered myself.
My maternal
grandpa, whom I used to call gung gung,
was a great person when I was young. I heard from my mom that he was very
stingy. But, he was willing to spend on us. Since I was a child up to teenager,
and before I got my own vehicle license, he was the one who fetched me to and
from the school, tuition centre and anywhere that I might need his service. At
the age of 78, on the 12th September, he bid the last farewell to
us, the farewell that is meant for eternal separation. This pain of separation
was another excruciating one since my grandma. He suffered from lymphoma a few
months before he left us. For the five mourning days, I couldn’t even let my tears
off as it is prohibited by my family. I knew that this is the law of nature for
someone to die, but one couldn’t possibly handle the emotion when this happens
in a sudden. However, I’m glad that we manage to carry out the house dana before he catches his last breath. Although
he is gone, but qualities will always exist in my memory. His departure reminded
me that life is in between breaths and we wouldn’t know when we are going to
bid the eternal farewell. This thoughts had made myself reawaken, awake from
all those worries and anxieties. Thank you, gung gung. Thank you for providing
me a lot of comfort and warmth. Thank you for reawakening me from the unnecessary
delusional thoughts. May you be well and happy in other realms.
Thank
you everyone whom I didn’t mentioned for contributing in my life journey this
year. I set a list of resolutions this year to seek for what I really want,
including watching anime and running for a full marathon. But at last, what I ultimately
want is to live happily every moment. In order to live happily, one should live
in the moment and love oneself before others. I would like to thank Summer for
reminding me of the latter. It looks like I have been wearing a happy mask
every day without noticing that I’m absolutely unhappy deep within. I shall
continue to set resolutions as they served as targets for me to achieve so that
every year can be utilized meaningfully. I shall be courageous in facing every failures and disappointments in my life. By being courageous only I could overcome my greatest fear, the fear of uncertainties. My life journey continues…
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